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6 tips for finding your own Christian (or Christina!) Grey

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2014-02-23 13:51:24 - 50 Shades has done a lot over the past months and years to change current perceptions about sexual freedom among woman. Alternately it released a whole bunch of latent and pent up emotion and longing that was lying dormant in women, waiting for a catalyst that would spark the flame…

Well the flame’s been sparked in a very big way, for a lot of women around the world.

If you’re active in kink communities, one of the clear ways you’ll notice it is through the incredible influx of newbies onto the scene… and the outpouring of community based posts around the delusions of grandeur of most people who’ve read 50 Shades and entered the scene as a result.

So, aside from the hundred thousand conflicting messages, concepts and ideas you’ll find once you do find a community, you may also find that you’re not exactly getting the warm welcome you were expecting.

So what should you keep in mind if you do want to enter the community and find your dream mate?

1. There is right or “Twue” way

Entering the community, you’re going to see a lot of posts deriding the mistakes newbies make and speaking from a sometimes very holier than thou attitude. If you’re part of any online community you’re going to see this, and as long we have the Interwebs – or even two people just able talk to each other – we’re going to have someone thinking they’re better than somebody else.


Your Kink Is Not My Kink… powerful words.

A powerful philosophy for life actually… even when we like the same thing, we’re going to appreciate different aspects of it more than others and we’re going to appreciate it in different ways. It’s what makes us human and unique. Likewise, unpacking kink and what works for you sexually is a very personal journey, perhaps the most personal of all the journeys.

If you get too wrapped up in what other people are saying and thinking you’re going to land up doing things that don’t necessarily work for you and leave you all tensed up, when the very thing you need to do is relax in order to benefit from this experience.

So some people see it as a lifestyle, others see it as purely sexual thing, some just see it as an easy way to get laid and have one night stands… it doesn’t matter really what your reasonings are, because well, Rule 34. There’s someone out there who matches your kink; there’s a market for everything.

One caveat – on the one-night standers… unfortunately the number of these people is increasing as the newbies do, because well, they’ve heard of 50 Shades too. You’d be wise to have your guard up a bit as a newbie on the scene.

2. Men can be submissive too

Men can be submissive, women can be dominant and some people are both – switches, meaning they change according to their needs. Likewise, BDSM happens for all orientations and even all ages and colours and shapes and sizes. There are whole segments of the community dedicated to big women for example and foot fetishes.

3. Not all communities are created equal

Some are more social, some are more content and information based and some are just plain old meat markets filled with wannabes, scammers and fakers.
Take all the necessary precautions… protect your identity, don’t give you name out, don’t give money to anyone, take your time to get to know the person and meet them in a public place. Have an escape route, don’t play the first time…. The list goes on and on and on.

Take your time to get to know some of the people in the community, local and web-based if possible, and gather information and resources. When you’re playing a game as dangerous as this, you cannot take too many precautions.

4. Not all Dominants are created equal

And in the wake of the 50 Shades phenomenon, you find a lot of chances, fakers and youngsters hoping for an easy lay. There are luckily a few easy ways to identify most of the absolute fakes:
• Profile pictures of his penis
• Only female friends
• No profile write up
• Propositions sex too early on in the conversation
• Insists you call him by a title such as Sir in the first few minutes

Unfortunately, there are also some of the scammers that have grown older, wiser & shrewder over time, and these are unfortunately not always so easy to spot.
Take your time, get to know the people around you and keep your wits about you. It’s easy to get carried away and land up in a situation where you get beaten, abused, raped or worse.

5. Some people are just kinksters

Not all the labels will apply to you in BDSM and it’s okay to just be a fetishist or kinkster or even just exploring.

Take your time figuring out what works for you, read other people’s profile write ups, view their pictures and videos and see what appeals to you. And take your time please. This isn’t a race with an end goal, it’s an exploration. The joy and pleasure of this lies in the journey too.

6. Some people are completely unsure

Being unsure could be for a variety of reasons, ranging from a conflict in sexual orientation or even gender to low self-esteem and even something as harmless as finding the content stimulating and having that be enough.

Whatever your reason, you’re allowed to take your time figuring out who you are and what you want. You don’t have to make a decision today.


S&H (Sex&Honey) is an English-language digital sex and relationship coaching platform that aims to debunk the myths around sex.
The service gives women affordable access to real sex and relationship coaching information, practical advice and coaching tools and resources around sex and relationships.

Honey Morgan, a sex coach and one of the creators of S&H says: “S&H provides a safe place for women to source information, ask any questions related to sex and get real advice to apply in their relationships. Our aim is to empower women with relevant knowledge about sex and relationships, enabling them to make the right decisions and have fulfilling relationships.”

Find out more at

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Sex & Honey

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